Oh, Man! It’s Back!

This morning, there was a rainbow. Lovely and strong in colors, and if we rushed to the end of the field, we probably could grab the pot of gold. I grabbed my camera and enjoyed my son jumping up and down asking if we could really go to the end of the field in our pajamas, see where the rain stopped and where the sunlight started.
In the mist of all this excitement and lovely time, all I could think about is that the rainbow would eventually disappear and everything comes to an end.

I remember when I was five years old and my Mum would have already put me and my sister to bed. I would suddenly wake up and sneak out to hide behind the armchair in the sitting-room where my parents would be chatting quietly. I was too scared to go back to my bedroom and have to face the daily nightmare again: a large wheel, that ticked and tocked slower and slower as it reached a still point.
I invented all kinds of reasons when I was discovered, half-asleep on the floor, I told my parents there were witches in the bedroom and they were coming out of the walls… witches were less scary than the slowly stopping wheel!

And I thought I was off the hook! For several days now, I was just enjoying my time, relaxing and thinking this was all good. Suddenly, it hit me. In a couple of days, school was starting again, my son had to go back into his routine. A couple of weeks from now, my sick leave is up. A couple more weeks and my rental contract is up. A couple of months and my job is over.

A couple more thoughts and I can’t sleep!

Last night I got up at 2AM, stayed up until 6:30, went back to bed then and slept until 8:30AM. What kind of crazy routine is that? I was not even tired during the day, on autopilot most of the time, vegetating in front of the TV series we love to watch.

What is going on?

When I sleep, I dream of people who make me sad. I get insulted,  beaten up. I get stuffed into a life that I can’t control. I cry, and I wake up crying, and even though I know it was just a dream and no one is there, abusing me in reality, I cry some more.

What is with all the sadness? Gosh, I sometimes wish I could just take a pill to make me smile and feel clueless again.

Now, the wheel is back and with her, my fear of things stopping. And I am petrified to have to face the reality that nearly all the material things around me are stopping, inevitably, and by a sadistic  twist of faith, all practically at the same time.

It should be enough to realize that compared to these material things, I have so much more to hold on to: my baby and family, lovely friends whom I cherish, my cats, and my dreams beyond the nightmares. They are probably all resting at the foot of the rainbow, just there in the field, where the bright light touches the earth through the tears of heaven.


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My Boss is Sad!

Boohoo, she is upset, sad, exhausted, about to break-down. Whose fault is that? MINE! Yes, you’d better believe it (I just sent my sick leave extension). While I am tangled in my own web of disappointment with myself and uncertainties in the future, she is pouring her heart out.

 – “Thank you for the doctor’s note. I am sorry to hear this. We would have loved to have you back!”

Well, she did not hear it. I did not call her. I am still a drama queen when it comes to phoning anyone to save my life. Oh, my! Do I dislike the tool! Why is that so? Simple I think, I can’t see the other person’s face, I don’t know what is coming up and, let’s face it, on the phone, you need to always know what to answer immediately.
OK, there is an even more dramatic history to the phoning / not phoning screams in my ears. My ex-husband has planted years of phone ire in my past. He never phoned, always ordered his phone calls. I used to be like everyone else. Something to say? I would pick up the phone. A wish to meet up? I would call and ask. As I said, normal.
Then he happened. He would demand that I’d make his phone calls instantly. His requests were so blurred that I actually never understood what he “really” wanted. He was, needless to say, manipulating the situation, not telling me every detail so that I would end up saying what he wanted anyway. Dah! Twisted!
During the phone call, he would get agitated, which signaled things were not going according to the plan, which plan again? Well, of course, since he did not exactly explain what he wanted to begin with!
At the end of the phone call, a storm would ravel. What I said was stupid, the way I say it was childish, no wonder it did not work. etc.
Yesterday, I received a phone call from the phone company. I am contesting their billing me 261 Fr for their technician visit to fix the line, which they primarily said was at no cost. I do not want to talk on the phone, I wrote a letter, I want a letter back. A letter gives me time to think and answer. A phone call requires immediate action… What if I say something stupid? What if I sound childish?
That’s my excuse… for now. I am working on it.

 – “I know that, for the company’s sake, I must have large shoulders and remain strong in the face of all this.”

Oh, my! What made her think I want to know any of this? Since she fired me, she has been going on about how she feels and what she needs. What do I care? It is a time in my life when I must care about myself and mainly what is happening to me as a result of her actions. So, do I have time and energy left to feel sorry for her? I don’t think so!

 – “On the intellectual side, I know that all the (sadly many) decisions taken at the moment are in the right direction.”

She does not need to convince me, she is merely trying to convince herself. Do I care? Probably not, except for the part that I have to work on not feeling sorry for her poor sore state at the moment. I would… nearly, because I have a good heart, but then, I just need to remember that she fired me, with a letter in the post, and then expected me to continue slaving for her… I just need to remember that, even if I had a company, and even if I was in financial trouble because of my poor management, I surely would not fire the person who made the company what it is now. And then, I go back to not caring about how she feels.

– “But on the human side, these decisions are very heavy for me and are so hurtful somehow, mainly because of losing you and your suffering… and your loss for the company.”

Yada yada… what is this all about? On the “human” side and “for the company”… Again, I read her sadness and her pain. Well, if I did not know her better, I would probably start crying while imagining her sobbing by the window thinking of the past five years of hard work and force I brought to the company and the friendship I offered her, through good and bad times. But I do know her better, and all that comes out of my mouth is “What the…?”

 -“I don’t expect you to understand all this, but I still wanted to tell you. I miss your laughter and your charisma on the daily base.”
Oh, come on, give me some credit! It is quite easy to understand and my IQ is above average! It took nearly three months for her to say something showing some compassion. Until now, it was all about her, how sad, tired, angry, she was. Finally some sense of her being human and capable of social interactions… what a bunch of lukewarm sentiments!
And the cherry on the cake:
 – “I wish you a prompt recovery!”
Well, there you go, was that so hard to write? It took months, a pile of sms, messages on my voicemail, emails, for her to realize that the only words she was ever supposed to write or say were “I wish you a prompt recovery” or “I hope you are feeling better.”
One thing that being a manager taught me (well, one of them!) is that you should never ever forget about your employees’ well being. You should not assume things that you think you know or guess. You should always be there for them, and don’t expect them to be there for you.
That one thing… she failed at it.
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Posted by on April 28, 2012 in Daily life impressions


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Ever Lost your Child in the Crowd?

kids temporary safety tattooI say my prayer every night, asking God to protect my child, keep him safe and happy all day, every day.

When he was 2, I once lost him on the beach. You think this is crazy right? He was right beside me and I had my eyes on him. Suddenly he saw tire tracks on the sand and started to follow them. I immediately got up and followed him. He was fast and I was slow digging between all the towels and sun-bathers blocking my path.

I called out to him, but the noise of the ocean and the voices of people playing beach-volley, added to my toddler’s concentration on the tire tracks he was following, made it impossibly for him to hear me.

If I lost vision of him, and if someone found him, even someone nice, who would take him to a police station or something, he would never be able to tell them where we lived (we were on holiday), what my phone number was, probably could not even say his family name, because he would be frightened, had nothing on him to help an investigator because he was wearing a swimsuit only.

Suddenly I spotted him. He was talking to a stranger. I ran over, looking like a dangling mannequin, oxygen was flowing in my lungs, life was starting again, and I was furious. Unfairly furious at my son for going away like this, forgetting me, the most important person in his life, unfairly furious at the stranger who was holding my son’s arm and listening to him “I don’t know where is my Mum.” But really really furious at myself for not having any safety identification on my child and letting such a silly situation get out of hand by the lack of preparation.

I grabbed him, hissed a vague “thank you” and waited until I was away from everyone who had seen this scene to kneel down and hug him like his life depended on this embrace.
– “I was so scared, I could not see you! Please never go away from me again!”

temporary safety tattooWhen I came back home that evening, I searched for the business card someone handed me once at an exhibition. I had thought then “what a great idea!” and I never acted on it. I found the card, browsed their website and ordered an ID set faster than I could spell my address.

This website does not exist anymore, but I found the following: (when I reached the “ORDER” page, my browser said that the site is not safe, quite ironic, don’t you think?) (link on the left) I like this one very much! and they have wonderful tips on how to keep children safe while in strange places.

This is not all it takes, but it helps.

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Posted by on April 26, 2012 in Parenting


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Bluetooth Keyboard and Other Life Adventures

There are so many things happening every day. So many beautiful things and so many insignificant ones. Yesterday, I could not work on my blogs. The main reason was that my Bluetooth Keyboard did not respond. Silly right? But when you work on a laptop all day long, it is necessary to have the right distance between your eyes and the screen, and also a suitable position so that your neck does not suffer from always keeping the same posture.

I searched the net to find a solution. Several posts on technical forums explained how to set up the keyboard and gave reliable explanations to ill-functioning (batteries… mainly). I changed the batteries, twice, used the laptop software to search for the keyboard. To no avail!

At that point, somehow, I started to look at Ipad websites, because I realized that the keyboard was paired with the Ipad. Maybe you will be interested in this course Ipad for beginners, which of course, I did not think I was…

None of the websites I visited gave me the answer, until I visited the Apple site, where it simply said “if your keyboard is paired with another laptop, then un-pair it first before attempting to pair with said laptop.”
The penny dropped!

Un-pairing the keyboard withe the Ipad was the solution. Alleluia! And there I was, thinking I was having a bad day!

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Posted by on April 24, 2012 in Daily life impressions


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Money with blogging, not so simple, but

Money with blogging, not so simple, but possible! Come and help!

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Posted by on April 20, 2012 in Daily life impressions


Hard at work on Friday morning, got to w

Hard at work on Friday morning, got to write an article, prepare an interview, and blog blog blog!

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Posted by on April 20, 2012 in Daily life impressions


Kill ex, check, kill daughter, check, kill self, missed

Oh, I read Metro this morning with my coffee, as I do nearly everyday. I saw the picture of this man, David Oakes, with his face cut in half and huge stitches to cover the gap.

This man is standing trial for allegedly killing his ex-wife and 2-year old daughter with a shotgun. He is pleading non-guilty as he claims that his ex-wife took the gum he brought with him (as anyone obviously does when visiting an ex-wife at midnight), killed her daughter, shot him in the face and then shot herself three times, before dying.

OK, let’s see how this story convinces anyone at the trial.

There are so many other stories like this one, for example: Mother of two stabbed by ex-partner

If need be, all this proves that, when a man has been violent with his wife for a long time, there is no happy ending. hence, I would like to say to all the people in the world who are treated violently and disrespectfully by a partner that there is NO CURE, there is no silver cloud in home violence, and the earlier you get out, the better.

It also proves that, if police were to take home violence seriously, so many hideous crimes could be avoided.


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Posted by on April 19, 2012 in Home Violence


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