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Oh, Man! It’s Back!

07 May

This morning, there was a rainbow. Lovely and strong in colors, and if we rushed to the end of the field, we probably could grab the pot of gold. I grabbed my camera and enjoyed my son jumping up and down asking if we could really go to the end of the field in our pajamas, see where the rain stopped and where the sunlight started.
In the mist of all this excitement and lovely time, all I could think about is that the rainbow would eventually disappear and everything comes to an end.

I remember when I was five years old and my Mum would have already put me and my sister to bed. I would suddenly wake up and sneak out to hide behind the armchair in the sitting-room where my parents would be chatting quietly. I was too scared to go back to my bedroom and have to face the daily nightmare again: a large wheel, that ticked and tocked slower and slower as it reached a still point.
I invented all kinds of reasons when I was discovered, half-asleep on the floor, I told my parents there were witches in the bedroom and they were coming out of the walls… witches were less scary than the slowly stopping wheel!

And I thought I was off the hook! For several days now, I was just enjoying my time, relaxing and thinking this was all good. Suddenly, it hit me. In a couple of days, school was starting again, my son had to go back into his routine. A couple of weeks from now, my sick leave is up. A couple more weeks and my rental contract is up. A couple of months and my job is over.

A couple more thoughts and I can’t sleep!

Last night I got up at 2AM, stayed up until 6:30, went back to bed then and slept until 8:30AM. What kind of crazy routine is that? I was not even tired during the day, on autopilot most of the time, vegetating in front of the TV series we love to watch.

What is going on?

When I sleep, I dream of people who make me sad. I get insulted,  beaten up. I get stuffed into a life that I can’t control. I cry, and I wake up crying, and even though I know it was just a dream and no one is there, abusing me in reality, I cry some more.

What is with all the sadness? Gosh, I sometimes wish I could just take a pill to make me smile and feel clueless again.

Now, the wheel is back and with her, my fear of things stopping. And I am petrified to have to face the reality that nearly all the material things around me are stopping, inevitably, and by a sadistic  twist of faith, all practically at the same time.

It should be enough to realize that compared to these material things, I have so much more to hold on to: my baby and family, lovely friends whom I cherish, my cats, and my dreams beyond the nightmares. They are probably all resting at the foot of the rainbow, just there in the field, where the bright light touches the earth through the tears of heaven.

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