Boohoo, she is upset, sad, exhausted, about to break-down. Whose fault is that? MINE! Yes, you’d better believe it (I just sent my sick leave extension). While I am tangled in my own web of disappointment with myself and uncertainties in the future, she is pouring her heart out.
– “Thank you for the doctor’s note. I am sorry to hear this. We would have loved to have you back!”
Well, she did not hear it. I did not call her. I am still a drama queen when it comes to phoning anyone to save my life. Oh, my! Do I dislike the tool! Why is that so? Simple I think, I can’t see the other person’s face, I don’t know what is coming up and, let’s face it, on the phone, you need to always know what to answer immediately.
OK, there is an even more dramatic history to the phoning / not phoning screams in my ears. My ex-husband has planted years of phone ire in my past. He never phoned, always ordered his phone calls. I used to be like everyone else. Something to say? I would pick up the phone. A wish to meet up? I would call and ask. As I said, normal.
Then he happened. He would demand that I’d make his phone calls instantly. His requests were so blurred that I actually never understood what he “really” wanted. He was, needless to say, manipulating the situation, not telling me every detail so that I would end up saying what he wanted anyway. Dah! Twisted!
During the phone call, he would get agitated, which signaled things were not going according to the plan, which plan again? Well, of course, since he did not exactly explain what he wanted to begin with!
At the end of the phone call, a storm would ravel. What I said was stupid, the way I say it was childish, no wonder it did not work. etc.
Yesterday, I received a phone call from the phone company. I am contesting their billing me 261 Fr for their technician visit to fix the line, which they primarily said was at no cost. I do not want to talk on the phone, I wrote a letter, I want a letter back. A letter gives me time to think and answer. A phone call requires immediate action… What if I say something stupid? What if I sound childish?
That’s my excuse… for now. I am working on it.
– “I know that, for the company’s sake, I must have large shoulders and remain strong in the face of all this.”
Oh, my! What made her think I want to know any of this? Since she fired me, she has been going on about how she feels and what she needs. What do I care? It is a time in my life when I must care about myself and mainly what is happening to me as a result of her actions. So, do I have time and energy left to feel sorry for her? I don’t think so!
– “On the intellectual side, I know that all the (sadly many) decisions taken at the moment are in the right direction.”
She does not need to convince me, she is merely trying to convince herself. Do I care? Probably not, except for the part that I have to work on not feeling sorry for her poor sore state at the moment. I would… nearly, because I have a good heart, but then, I just need to remember that she fired me, with a letter in the post, and then expected me to continue slaving for her… I just need to remember that, even if I had a company, and even if I was in financial trouble because of my poor management, I surely would not fire the person who made the company what it is now. And then, I go back to not caring about how she feels.
– “But on the human side, these decisions are very heavy for me and are so hurtful somehow, mainly because of losing you and your suffering… and your loss for the company.”
Yada yada… what is this all about? On the “human” side and “for the company”… Again, I read her sadness and her pain. Well, if I did not know her better, I would probably start crying while imagining her sobbing by the window thinking of the past five years of hard work and force I brought to the company and the friendship I offered her, through good and bad times. But I do know her better, and all that comes out of my mouth is “What the…?”
That one thing… she failed at it.