What now? — You’re fired episode 2 —

11 Apr

As well as my dismissal letter, I have just been handed a golden opportunity. I realize that I would never have quit my job. When I say never, I mean exactly that. Rather be a slave but have a wage coming in every month than being out in the adventurous world of not knowing what tomorrow will bring.

So, here I am, standing at the door step, leading out onto the meadow of opportunities. Excited, scared.. that sums it up quite precisely.

Can you make out the name of the shop on the left? It says “Les Millionnaires.” And that is what the future looks like for me.

In the meantime, I go through the pits of depression. It was to be expected. I held on for a couple of weeks, and then, it hit me. I know I will get up again and fulfill my destiny to become a millionaire, but for now…

Reactive depression, to be exact. What does that mean?
Simply put, anytime someone asks me about my work, I start crying, my brain feels empty, and there is no sound coming out of my lips. There is no sound because there is nothing to say, absolutely nothing. My brain has become void of plans, void of creativity. On the other hand, it is full of resentment, sadness, frustration, etc. Can I voice it in a way that would be acceptable to me? No. This is why I get into this depressed state.

I don’t want to let in to that, as it is not a tempting prospect, so I fight back. the result is a confusion of every minute, when I want to be strong, but I know I am not, I want to say “I’ll be fine” when all inside me screams “why me? why us?” and “now what?”
So I go for a walk, without knowing how I got in that street or that field. I am not crazy, so I don’t cross streets and endanger myself, but as I walk, my mind races over all the hurdles I see in front of me. I do not have answers or techniques to clear these, so all I see with my mind-eye is a series of obstacles. I don’t voice them because I refuse them, I don’t make lists, because I don’t want to see them.

The result of this inner turmoil is a constant headache. I also suffer chronic neck pains which reaches down to my left shoulder-blade. My eyesight has gone down several points. Sleep does not bring any rest, as I battle through dreams where old demons are back, people hurt me, are nasty to me and hit me. My legs and arms go numb as I sleep and hurt when I wake up.

THE dream is there, out of reach this instant, but there… still.

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Posted by on April 11, 2012 in Daily life impressions


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